Romantic relationships can be challenging yet very rewarding. Being in a committed relationship with your partner should not be taken lightly but should be cherished, appreciated and respected. But what if you’ve come to the point where a major decision is on the horizon - marriage. How do you really know if you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with someone?

Meeting the Challenge of an Engagement

Celebrities get engaged and married all of the time and break up soon thereafter. You personally know couples that were so in love in the past but are now ’so in love’ with someone else. You know you love him/her and you want to spend the rest of your life with them but the nagging uncertainty of the whole commitment issue is eating away at you. Friends and family have taken their role as spectators and players in your relationship egging you on as you wonder: Am I ready to be engaged?

Although close family, friends, co-workers and associates are not shy about their opinion on the subject of engagement, no one can tell you if you’re ready to be engaged but yourself. Fortunately, there is some good advice to be taken into consideration before coming to that conclusion.

Engagement - Trapped or Treasured?

You may hear from others who truly mean well, that getting engaged is a trap, the end of your single life and the beginning of a life time of boredom - it’s no fun. They may say you can’t go anywhere you want or do what you’d like without your partner attached to your hip. You may even hear, “You’re going to lose yourself by committing to the relationship.” These comments can be tricky because in a way you do experience some of these things when you’re engaged, but it can be in a positive way.

Getting engaged usually means the end of ‘the single life’ but isn’t this why you’re with this person. You love the companionship of your partner. You like not having to go to the movies alone, you enjoy dining and vacationing together, laughing together and brainstorming together.

You do lose part of yourself as an individual but grow as a couple. If you’re with the person that’s right for you, you’ll flourish into an even more beautiful person inside while gaining your partner’s trust, respect and loyalty which will make him/her love you even more. So being engaged may sound like a trap but can turn out to be a treasure.

The Mindset: Men vs Women

When the right person comes into the picture, many people wonder how long they should date before getting engaged? Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of MTV’s “Loveline,” told USA Weekend that it takes about six months to know someone well enough before considering marriage. But he observes that men and women have different mind-sets when it comes to being ready to stroll down the aisle. Men wait for the right time to get married, while women wait for the right partner.

“Men more often decide whether to get married on the basis of where they are in life rather than whom they’re with,” he told the newspaper. “Many men have an internal script for when they’re ready for marriage … They don’t necessarily have to be with the absolute `right’ woman. They just need to be with a woman they care very much about at that time.”

Added Pinsky, “Some men will make very rapid decisions if they’re really ready. Most of the relationships that go on for years and years and years happen because the man is trying to get to the point in his life where he feels ready.” Women see marriage as a beginning and men may see it as an end.

While men are constantly evaluating the opportunity cost, women are excited about the opportunity gain. The reason men usually ‘run’ has little to do with his girlfriend personally, and instead has to do with his own struggle from feelings about change, ideals of perfection, and fears of the unknown.

Ready or Not

Don’t feel pressured into marriage because your ‘biological clock’ is ticking or you’re ‘pushing forty’ and all your friends are engaged or married already. Marriage is a bond of life long commitment and the engagement should be entered into with solidarity. So, how do you know if you’re ready?

Consider these points:

• Does your partner put his/her parents wishes before yours or are they controlled by their parents? Notice a Bible verse to reason upon. It’s Genesis 2:24 which states,… ‘A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.’
  
• Can you talk about your needs and concerns with your partner without feeling inhibited or that he/she won’t understand?
• Do you still feel the same way about him/her when you’re separated for a period of time or get bored as time goes by?
• Are you willing to compromise on certain decisions within the marriage and not dominate your loved one verbally or abusively?
• Are you both in agreement as to whether or not to have children?
• Are your finances in tact? (e.g. to rent or own, clear up debt.) Can you both live within the budget planned?
• Are your life goals in harmony with one another?
• Does he/she ‘put you down’ or disgrace you in private and in public?
• Have you decided where you’ll live? (e.g. long distance relationships between couples from different countries or children of divorced parents who may not be able to leave the state)
• Have you spent a considerable amount of time getting to know each other for at least a year? (Dr. Sherron Patterson founder of The Love Clinic states: “A year is enough time to know a person but not know too much to spoil the relationship. If you go beyond a year, you will want to cohabitate. Statistics show those who cohabitate and marry later have higher divorce rates because they enter marriage with different expectations.”)
• Are you actually committed to getting married during the engagement? (If not, what’s the point of getting engaged?)
• Ask yourself, ‘Will You Mary You?’ If you are unhappy with yourself be it physically, your financial situation, mentally or emotionally, how can someone else be happy to be with you?

Remember you should never get married because of a pregnancy, because you feel guilty, or because someone else wants you to. Try also not to take the opposite approach (not getting engaged) by listening to well intentioned friends and family who don’t really know the depth of your relationship with the person you’re considering to marry.

Getting engaged is one of the most important steps in a relationship. It’s a life changing decision that should be well thought out and planned by getting to know the one you love with the intent on spending the rest of your life with them.