Some people scoff at the idea of compromise in a relationship, saying that it’s giving up who you are as a person, choosing to be someone you wouldn’t normally be for the sake of the relationship. But a relationship is about love and growing in that love together. You can’t be together with someone for any length of time without compromise. Compromising who you are as an individual and compromising for the relationship are two different things. How so?

Me vs. We

Say for instance you like the color red and your husband/wife likes blue. You both want to paint the wall different colors so instead you compromise by choosing green, a color neither of you would have chosen at the outset. This reconciled the difference and opened the way for a new color scheme that would not have existed if both partners fought for their own way. Both individuals compromised for the sake of relationship.

At the outset of the relationship, try determining for yourself what you are willing and unwilling to compromise. Couples compromise on small things on a daily basis learning how to be with and live with each other. Areas that are off limits to compromise are core values such as honesty, integrity, and responsibility. Losing these would be compromising yourselves as individuals.

Areas of Conflict

According to family counseling experts, money is the number one area of conflict among couples followed by sex, children, in-laws and work. Behind the differences lies deeper hidden issues such as control, recognition, integrity, respect, commitment and caring. The way a couple attempt to resolve conflict is often based on what they’ve learned growing up.

Techniques such as the silent treatment or running away when things get tough are ineffective ways to solve conflict and tend to create more conflict. Couples who recognize they have poor techniques can learn more effective methods which will allow them to resolve the issue at hand and move forward.

Meeting Each Others Needs - How?

• Both individuals must agree to reconcile and then discuss the issues in a calm manner

• Make sure you’re in a safe place and have agreed upon rules that will ensure structure and safety to deal with highly emotional issues.

• If emotions do become ‘heated’ take a break from the conversation to cool off.

• Identify the main cause of the conflict and commit to listening to each other about it

• Understand each other’s history about the issue

• Take personal responsibility and admit when you’re wrong

• Do not ‘point fingers’, by saying ‘You did this or that’, instead rephrase your feelings by saying “I feel frustrated when this happens”

• Brainstorm ways to resolve the problem

If you really love the person you’re with, make the effort to fix the problems that have caused the division between you and your partner. Work as a team as the two of you work together, make it known that you love each other and are serious about reconciling your differences.