You’ve finally met the person of your dreams! The one you have been waiting for all your life. He’s tall, dark and handsome with a great sense of humor. She’s beautiful, smart and sweet with an infectious smile. His palms sweat every time he sees her. Her heart skips a beat at the sound of his voice. But how can you know if it’s love or infatuation?
A Common Ground - Is It Enough?
You both love the beach and walking in the rain. You laugh at the same jokes, like the same movies and even got a tattoo with each others names. All of your friends say you’re perfect for one another. Yet somehow you just can’t get past that annoying sound he makes when he’s brushing his teeth.
No one is perfect of course. You’re not going to have everything in common. You do recognize that you’re separate individuals with different upbringing, values and possibly cultures. Although a common ground is essential to a romantic relationship, it is just the beginning when your objective is love with eternity in view.
Love Takes Time
True Love isn’t hindered by time. Often, the best way to test out your feelings for someone is to let some time pass. Love is not an unbridled passion but is unselfish, based on reason and deep respect. Time allows you to examine your romantic interest in different lights. Give attention to unsettling potential hazards to your relationship.
The following questions will help you assess your feelings more objectively:
- Is your partner eager for your plans to be successful or only for his/her own?
- Does he/she show respect for your point of view, your feelings?
- Has he/she pressured you into doing things to satisfy selfish passions?
- Does this person tend to degrade you or build you up in front of others?
Infatuation Is Blind
According to psychologist Michele Drew, “Infatuation is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and development.” Infatuation fades and is based on physical attraction or that feeling you got when you first saw the captain of the football team score a touchdown. It’s the image the person projects that is ‘loved’ not his/her personality which is hard to see.
Check Yourself
Is It Love or Infatuation?
Love
- An unselfish caring about the interest of the other person
- Romance often starts slowly, perhaps taking months or years
- You are attracted by the other person’s total personality and spiritual qualities
- The effect on you is that it makes you a better person
- You view the other realistically, seeing his or her faults, yet loving that one anyway
- You have disagreements, but you find that you can talk them out and settle them
- You want to give and share with the other person
Infatuation
- Is selfish, restrictive. One thinks, “What does this do for me?”
- Romance starts fast, perhaps taking hours
- You are deeply impressed or interested in the other’s physical appearance. (’He has such gorgeous eyes.’ ‘She’s got a great figure’)
- A destructive, disorganizing effect
- Is unrealistic. The other person seems perfect. You ignore any nagging doubts about serious personality flaws
- Arguments are frequent. Nothing really gets settled. Many are “settled” with a kiss
- The emphasis is on taking or getting especially in satisfying sexual urges
Granted, physical attraction is usually what makes two people notice each other in the first place but eventually their true personality surfaces and heightened passion fades. Will your ‘love’ endure? Remember, real love doesn’t come with an expiration date.
Love or Infatuation list is from the book, Questions Young People Ask, Answers That Work, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of NY, Inc.